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i won't resign before this struggle ends...
...so I'll construct a sound defense.
stephibug
Come gather 'round people wherever you roam, and admit that the waters around you have grown,
And accept it that soon you'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you is worth saving
Then you better start swimming or you'll sink like a stone,
For the times they are a-changing.

Come writers and critics who prophesize with your pen,
And keep your eyes wide, the chance won't come again.
And don't speak too soon for the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who that it's naming.
For the loser now will be later to win, for the times they are a-changing.

Come senators, congressmen, please heed the call.
Don't stand in the doorway, don't block up the hall,
For he that gets hurt will be he who has stalled,
The battle outside raging will soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls, for the times they are a-changing.

Come mothers and fathers throughout the land
And don't criticize what you can't understand.
Your sons and your daughters are beyond your command,
And your old road is rapidly aging.
Please get out of the new one ff you can't lend your hand,
For the times they are a-changin.

The line it is drawn, the curse it is cast,
The slow one now will later be fast
As the present now will later be past.
The order is rapidly fading.
And the first one now will later be last,
For the times they are a-changin'.
drink up, baby
stephibug
These days, I've been measuring and gauging my life through random acts of kindness.

It's never something I thought I'd do, honestly. I used to take things for what they were worth and move on. Now, for some reason, I hold onto these nuggets of warmth that I receive from other people.

Sometimes they're little things, like the time I bought a couple pretzels from Auntie Anne's and the cashier saw my military ID, and gave me a discount "just because". She told me that if mall employees could have 15 percent off, then a woman whose husband is serving our country was entitled to one as well.

Or the time in my Military in the Media course, where I'm one of a small handful of liberals. I experience it all the time in this state, but after class one day my professor pulled me aside and told me our class needed more opinions like mine, that I shouldn't be intimidated by people in class with very strong opposing viewpoints, and that he would back me up every inch of the way in discussion.

A significant random act of kindness came last night from my newspaper adviser, who chats with us on Facebook sometimes. He noticed my status updates were often sad, and he decided to talk with me about it. I'd always felt that he was more concerned about publishing a quality newspaper even if it meant we were sacrificing homework and personal life dramas. But he told me he was going to schedule me an appointment with the campus counseling center to talk about what I'm dealing with, the being alone with a minimal support system ordeal. He said he'd schedule it during my office hours, so I wouldn't miss class.

I wanted to cry. I work with him every day, under deadlines and all the regular stresses of a newspaper, and this was the first time he expressed concern for what's on my mind.

I'm well aware of why Patrick took the job that will force him to leave in May for eight months, and will continue to deploy him for six months of each year. He's doing it for me - he knows I'm not happy here, and he knows that getting out of Oklahoma will increase my chances of getting a decent job in this crapshoot of a recession we're in.

I think that makes it harder - he's doing this for me, and yet him being gone so much is just so damn hard at times. I have support here, but it isn't quite the same support I have back in California. I throw myself into school and work to keep myself from thinking about the way I often feel when I go out with friends. The third wheel feeling, the minimal understanding from many people about what it's like to go through this. Last deployment I found myself subconsciously avoiding the friends who were married, whose spouses were still here.

They are friends, and I didn't want to push them away, but I did anyway... I just couldn't deal with it. Now I've got eight more months of it to look forward to.

Patrick's been in California for a month, visiting family, something he needed to do. He needed this vacation. So this hasn't felt like a deployment so much - I can call him, we can talk for more than 15 minutes at a time. But I still have that feeling of wanting to stay away from couples, because I hate feeling left out. And I don't like that I feel that way - people are not going out of their way to put me in that position...

So now, with everything going on in my world, I hold onto random acts of kindness. I have a world full of stress right now - which people can empathize with, but perhaps not completely relate to. My stress is not limited to Patrick being gone. I work in a newsroom where I feel underappreciated for my work output, I'm taking 17 credits of intense senior-level coursework, I have graduation to consider, my parents are moving from the hometown I was raised in, my brother is back in prison.

In fact, in my wallet I have a "fortune" from a fortune cookie I got at Kang's a few months ago. It says, "your contribution is significant." As stupid as it might sound, seeing it sometimes makes me feel a tiny bit better.

Maybe I'm a little maudlin about this... who knows. But until things even out and get easier, I'm going to continue holding onto these random acts of kindness that come my way. They come without preface, often blindsiding me. Sometimes they make me want to cry, for no reason.

I do what I've been doing - I keep them in a safe spot in my mind, to think back to when things aren't easy, like so many things right now.
drink up, baby
stephibug
I have been sick as a DOG all week. So I know this defeats the purpose of 365 pics, but there aren't any pics from this week. I'll start back up again tomorrow. Yeah I suck, I know. =)
drink up, baby
stephibug
Day 12. 01/12/09.



Yoyo, who is always crazy when he isn't sleeping, loves his toys. I sprayed a catnip spray on his cubbyhole and he rolled himself all over it.

Tags:

drink up, baby
stephibug
Day 11. 01/11/09.



Is it cheating if this is from the same night, at around 2am? Oh well. Ryan and I are weird. And I totally look like Leela from Futurama here.

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drink up, baby
stephibug
Day 10. 01/10/09.



Patrick's "welcome home" get-together was good for him - after four months of no drinking and not many of his friends, he got back into the swing of things with the Air Force homies and beer pong.

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1 stayed up all night // drink up, baby
stephibug
Day 9. 01/09/09.



After months of just hearing about them, Patrick finally got to meet and hang with my co-workers and friends. After a few drinks [including shots of this amazing liqueur he got in Ireland], I think we all got along swimmingly.

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2 stayed up all night // drink up, baby
stephibug
Day 8. 01/08/09.



Patrick missed his kitty while he was gone, and judging by this picture, I think the kitty missed him too.

Tags:

drink up, baby
stephibug
Day 7. 01/07/09.



Yesterday I spent the extra cash to get my hair coloured by someone who knows what they're doing. Alex, my co-worker Ryan's wife, is a total genius.

Tags:

drink up, baby
stephibug
Day 6. 01/06/09.



My kitty is either not smart at all, or he has no fear of water like pretty much all cats do. He didn't jump in the water, but he did stare at it for a long time and stick his paws in.

Tags:

3 stayed up all night // drink up, baby
stephibug
Day 5. 01/05/09.



I'm not a huge fan of flying, but if I want to get back home quickly, it's the best option. So when I can, I upgrade to first class. On days like this, it's worth the extra money. Besides, I felt like a total high roller.

Tags:

drink up, baby
stephibug
Day 4. 01/04/09.



Robbie is one of my oldest friends, and he came for dinner with Mom and me tonight. As a grad student on a fellowship, he's speaking at a national musicology convention and needed a somewhat studious picture.

Tags:

1 stayed up all night // drink up, baby
stephibug
Day 3. 01/03/09.



Mikey, a Cloud 9 staple, and Brian sang "Beer For My Horses" last night at Jerome's birthday party. Even though I've learned to hate Toby Keith on principle, I always think "Fairfield" when this song is sung by one of these two guys.

Tags:

drink up, baby
stephibug
Day 2. 01/02/09.



Regina's kiddo, Chloe, had way too much fun at my mom's house - the puppy, a pool table and a piano... the three P's for keeping a toddler happy.

Tags:

drink up, baby
stephibug


Day One:
My New Year's party was a high school reunion of sorts. Only this time we had drinking games and illegal fireworks.

~*~

I think this is a great idea... I kind of want to see what kind of year I have. =)

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2 stayed up all night // drink up, baby
stephibug

  • 22:08 Seeing "Doubt" made me remember all my Catholic upbringing. Yikes. #

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drink up, baby
stephibug
  • 02:39 I love my in-laws. =) Three days with them is not enough. #
  • 02:39 My little cousin in NY was diagnosed with leukemia this week... she's only 3, so please send prayers. #
  • 02:40 I woke up from a nap in the car this morning en route to Fairfield to Danny singing "Touch My Body" by Mariah Carey. Random? #
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drink up, baby
stephibug

  • 17:17 The dysfunction, it burns ... can I please leave? #

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1 stayed up all night // drink up, baby
stephibug
one hundred songs. at random.Collapse )
drink up, baby
stephibug

  • 15:39 The apartments here have really thick walls, and yet I can still hear my downstairs neighbors music over my TV. wtf. #

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drink up, baby
stephibug
  • 15:57 We have entirely too many meetings. #
  • 20:15 Feeling the itch to go out and do something... #
  • 03:47 Somehow I ended up at a lesbian bar tonight #
  • 03:47 And then I watched an amazing drag show entitled "Ruthie the Fag Hag Reindeer" at the gay bar next door #
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drink up, baby
stephibug
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drink up, baby
stephibug

  • 13:09 Got an A on my third Victims in the Media paper... yeah, today hasn't totally sucked. #

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drink up, baby
stephibug

Love is a Burning Thing.

 

I guess I just lost my husband, I don’t know where he went.

A warning sign, I missed the good part then I realized

Every time that I look in the mirror,

Honey, I know you’ve been lonesome,

Unfolding enveloping missiles of soul.

You’ve got your ball, you’ve got your chain,

We are lovers, true and through, and though we made it through the storm

You took your coat off and stood in the rain.

Run and tell all of the angels, this could take all night,

Do I have to change my name, will it get me far?

You’ve got your mother and your brother, every other undercover, telling you what to say.

Headlights are flashing on the highway,

Watch my life pass me by in the rearview mirror.

You ask me if there’ll come a time where I grow tired of you,

I’m coming home again, do you think about me now and then?

Memories are just where you leave them,

This could be the very minute I’m aware I’m alive.

I don’t know where I’m going, but I sure know where I’ve been,

And when I see you, I really see you upside down,

I’m standing on the bridge, I’m waiting in the dark, I thought that you’d be here by now.

2 stayed up all night // drink up, baby
stephibug
  • 09:47 I'm so not ready for it to be Christmastime... except for the whole going home thing. I'm ready for that. #
  • 12:05 I wrote a sonnet in iambic pentameter in 20 minutes during my creative writing class... I was bored. #
  • 14:00 If you're an adult, and you're old enough to live on your own, keep your parents out of your job. For fucks sake, people. #
  • 14:03 Today might be a day for two venti iced coffees... and hopefully they'll have my favorite sushi out later... #
  • 23:13 Just finished an hour's worth of prep work for my famous stuffing for Vista Thanksgiving tomorrow. Y'all better appreciate. #
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2 stayed up all night // drink up, baby
stephibug

  • 00:51 I'm surrounded by pillows in a hookah bar with two amazing gay men and a fellow hag. I need to be around these people more often #

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drink up, baby
stephibug
  • 13:25 Game night tonight... Cranium + Wii + alcohol... god how I love college <3 #
  • 02:39 Talking politics with Laura's friend who she left me with after she and Greg went to get Taco Bell... haha #
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drink up, baby
stephibug
  • 13:18 Today is a lazy day, but I feel like I should be doing something other than making playlists, tanning and getting my eyebrows waxed #
  • 13:41 Dear Vista website person: our news site has been updated once in the past four months ... that's a problem. #
  • 02:05 Just took an online poll about websites and stuff... wow, I am totally out of the loop, I didn't know a lot of them #
  • 02:05 10pm staff meetings... yep... just getting in... #
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drink up, baby
stephibug
  • 15:47 I'm not allowed to fire Ryan, even though I'm an editor now. Only Greg can do that. #
  • 16:21 Waiting around the newsroom for pages to come through for me to write all over. #
  • 17:44 I just wrote a column about why the military should repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell and got into a bickering match with my editors. #
  • 17:44 I'm kind of in love with my Red Velvet Cake lipgloss... #
  • 18:27 Why am I still here? I just want to head home, appease my angsty dog, heat up a frozen pizza and zone out to Rachel Maddow. #
  • 20:13 Writing offensive headlines, tension between the two campus media outlets, last-minute column writing: all in a day's work #
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drink up, baby
stephibug
  • 17:14 Oh yeah, sure, I totally understand why you'd want a non-j major as your co-editor when you already need to make improvements. *sigh* #
  • 17:15 Going to the Gay Alliance for Tolerance and Equality tonight for work. Woot! #
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drink up, baby